Greenville Man Still in Hospital After Record Store Purchase Results in Assault

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Area man, Joël Lynford, was admitted to St Joseph's Hospital in downtown Greenville after being attacked by a store clerk and two other shoppers at Alfred's Used Music on 13th and Dover Avenue last Friday afternoon. Lynford claims he had decided to stop off at the store on his way home from work to pick up a few CDs but had no idea that his decision would end so badly.

"A buddy of mine who is really into music told me that Asking Alexandria and Attack! Attack! were the future of music. He really knows his stuff and he never jokes about stuff like this. Alfred's always has the best selection, so I headed over to check out what they had." Lynford says they had exactly what he was looking for, but when he got to the counter, the clerk asked him if he was serious. "I said, 'Of course I am,' which was probably the worst thing I could have said."

The clerk and two other nearby patrons immediately began assaulting the 40-year-old Lynford, calling him a queer and hitting him with their fists whilst repeatedly asking him if he wanted to purchase some eyeliner and some skin-tight jeans to go with his new CDs. Police were called by a passerby who witnessed the altercation from the outside, but by the time they arrived, Lynford had already suffered numerous abrasions and a broken rib.

Both the store clerk and the other patrons were taken into custody and the store was closed for the remainder of the weekend. When asked, the store owner clarified that he had no idea that Asking Alexandria was even on the shelves of his store. "Of course, we don't condone assaulting customers and we are deeply sorry that this happened. But honestly, that stuff shouldn't even be on the shelf and for that we apologise."

Lynford expects to be released this coming Wednesday. He says he will stick to more traditional purchases from now on and will likely change his sartorial choices to reflect a less metrosexual approach.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.