Rossi winless in Hutchinson Raceway

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The 9 time World Champion Valentino Rossi has failed to secure a win at Hutchinson Raceway this past weekend in the 4th annual Hamza GP Event. Rossi whom decided to race in his Factory Movistar Yamaha could not keep up with the riders that frequent this raceway. Located in the Bronx, NY, the Hutchinson circuit is a complicated concoction in which concentration and balls usually win the race. Rossi's pit crew were lost as they took the wrong exit and ended up in Yonkers while having the race suit and helmet with them. Not wanting to miss the race, Rossi wore a DOT approved German helmet and borrowed a local rider's Speed & Strength vest to start off in 5th on the grid. It all started bad as his launch was mistimed and ended up pulling a 40 yard wheelie almost hitting a Dominican taxi. As if it could not get any worse, the Factory Yamaha's suspension was not tuned to Bronx highway specifications and ended up losing a few bolts on the Sprain Brook. Rossi's determination kept him in the race and soon caught up to the leading pack but was soon reminded that Alex Flecha has a PC5 equipped with auto tune. Pulling away in 6th gear, Flecha quickly lost the tail and commenced his turn 15 tactic. Rossi was then humiliated by Chris Amaya and Christian Roggiero as both riders exited turn 15 at 130mph while Rossi was forced to use his iPhone flashlight to see where he was going. While the leading pack made it to the Shell gas station on the Bruckner, they gassed up and Amaya took pictures for his IG. Rossi finally joined them in disbelief. The Movistar Yamaha had lost some fairings and needed a Washington Cycle Work's suspension tune asap. Rossi's pit crew had already been spotted at Salsa con Fuego since they never found the race location. sources say they made the DJ play Bodak ValeYellow 12 times. Valentino stated "Very difficult race because i don't know where i'm going half the time and the riders always know where they are going. We will get better and so i am confident in the next Southern State race". Good luck to you, Vale! Better outcome next time.
-Anderson Glaven

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.