Top 5 Things Your Mesa Airlines Pilot Won't Tell You

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5. Mesa is actually a money laundering front for the Arizona-based company American Traffic Systems. Your fares are subsidized by people who drive their vehicles past the VIOLATION POINT of any ATS monitored intersection.

4. For safety reasons, Mesa only hires people that have amassed over 25 calls to 1-800-DUI-AWAY. This has the added benefit of ensuring all customers are provided unrivaled safe and friendly service.

3. Here at Mesa Airlines, we pride ourselves on having only the most modern fleet of aircraft in the world. That's why we entered a capacity purchase agreement (CPA) with Air Koryo, home of passenger favorite aircraft such as the Antonov An-24, Ilyushin Il-18, Tupolev Tu-204, and more! Under this agreement, Mesa will lease over 20 of these high-quality aircraft and crew. Expect your next flight with Mesa to be unlike any other.

2. Our inflight catering is provided by the revered "Cliff House", owned by Juergen Raps and his fellow Senior First Chef Sascha Unterbarnscheidt. Thanks to this amazing opportunity, Mesa is able to provide unrivaled meal service that includes meals such as "McDouble with Lufthansa Sauce", "Grilled Salmon infused with Dill Marijuana", and many other passenger favorites.

1. Many other airlines have a problem with pilots not getting the required number of approaches to maintain instrument currency. Mesa has taken a unique and truly innovative approach to solving this problem by equipping all pilots with the VapeIFR 2000 system, which is designed to vape dank clouds into the cockpit to keep our pilots "elevated and motivated". At Mesa, every approach is conducted to CAT III VAPE standards. In the event of a VapeIFR 2000 failure, pilots are instructed to obtain very healthy and delicious cigarettes to be used as a temporary substitute.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.