Gahanna man searches for meaning to life after fantasy football futility

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A Gahanna man is struggling to recover his masculinity after repeatedly failing to impress his friends playing fantasy football. Robert Gardner III has struggled with self-loathing for a string of pitiful last-place finishes over the course of the previous decade.

"I try really hard," Gardner said. "I make this kick-ass spreadsheets before the draft every year yet none of that matters. I mean the other guys barely seem to try yet who always finishes last? Bobby."

Gardner spends most of his Sundays nervously watching football games in his basement. His T1P status has diminished more quickly than his fleeting championship season so he resorts to drinking Nati Light for budgetary reasons, not its crisp, all-natural flavor.

"Even my wife won't touch me anymore," he said. "Part of that is the whole pregnancy thing but I'm worried my unborn daughter can already smell the stench of losing."

Gardner has surprised even himself winning the first two games of the new season.

"I'm sure I'll find a way to screw it up," Gardner said. "I always do."

Gardner's wife Molly issued a statement saying, "I support my husband because legally I have to. I've debated going back to my maiden name though because I don't want people to think I'm that bad at fantasy football. I picked his lineups the year he won. Coincidence? I doubt it."

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.