Cook County Toilet Tax to begin December 1

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Got to go to the restroom? This story may want you to start holding it in more often.

Starting December 1, 2017, Cook County will implement the Toilet Tax that will affect millions of property owners, business owners, and private offices. What this means is that every time you flush, a charge of one cent will be added to your water bill. Many entrepreneurs that depend on water to sustain their businesses predict that this will cause their prices to increase--again.

"Actually, I guess I'm ahead of the game," says pizzeria owner, Chuck Dawes. "I already put coin meters on my toilets. To open the stall door, they've got to pay 25 cents. My mean, this is Cook County, folks! Why are you surprised by this? In 5 years, tops, we'll pay a dollar a day just for sucking in air!"

Well, Mr. Dawes, you are ahead of the game. Starting October 1, representatives of the Illinois Department of Revenue will be entering every home and business to install on each toilet electronic meters that measure each and every flush. Everyone is expected to cooperate or face hefty fines.

As soon as the news spread, angry citizens marched downtown to demonstrate their fury.

"This is some bull****!" shouted Leesa Davenport. "Taxing cigarettes, booze, and pop wasn't enough for them, huh? They've got to tax toilet breaks now, too?"

Cook County Board President, Toni Preckwinkle, on the other hand, says these new taxes are necessary. "This is becoming exhaustingly redundant," she said. "It's like people enjoy eating steak but donate to PETA when they see how it's made. We need these taxes to keep our water clean and safe to use. Or, we can end up like Flint, Michigan."

We asked her about what people who suffer from dysentery or bladder problems should do in light of this new tax.

"They'd better wear diapers," she said. Adult diaper companies, like those who manufacture Depends, anticipate huge spikes in sales.

Most residents of Cook County are very unhappy about this tax, and the telephones to the Cook County switchboard are ringing off the hook. Then there are other residents, like Arkady Petrov, who have resigned themselves to the effects of the new tax.

"I live in Hegewisch," he said. "It's just a hop, skip, and a jump from Indiana. I've got a cousin who lives right over the border. I'll just have to cross over there three times a day, where a guy can pee--for free."