Trump Administration Announces Plan to Require All Public Education Teachers to Have Chip Implanted with DNA and Background Information

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New rules proposed by the Trump Administration will require all public teachers to have a chip surgically implanted in one of three sites on their bodies to retain their teaching certification. Department of Education spokesperson, DeeDee Friars announced on Friday. "We now have the technology to be able to track those who care for our most vulnerable in society. It is necessary that we be able to identify those who care for our children quickly through the use of a scanning device." The DoE also explained that school budgets can recoup the cost of providing the surgical insertions by directly depositing employees wages into an electronic account that can be drawn from by using the embedded silicon chip as an "biometric" debit card giving federal and state employees the ability to pay on the go. "It will be as easy as swiping your wrist under a scanner," Friars noted.

These new rules are expected to be codified in 2018 with full implementation required by 2021. "The DoE, working with the Commerce Department expect this to be the first major reorganization of all our financial systems. We expect that by the end of the decade Biometric E-Commerce will replace traditional banking and cash transactions." When asked by the Department of Education was spearheading this change, Friars responded, "We have the power to stabilize our economy through Biometric E-Commerce but given the opportunity to save background, DNA, and unique identification through a quick scan process enables us create a process that will serve to protect our children and reduce government waste. What's not to like about this?" The Department of Federal Benefits will be watching closely the implementation in hopes that it can be deployed for use to all federal employees and those receiving health benefits.

When asked if the surgical implant can cause health issues, Friars scoffed, remarking, "We already require vaccinations. This surgical, benign device will have less issues than implanting a dormant virus as we do with vaccinations. The benefits outweigh the risks." The DoE is considering allowing a substitute for those who fear a surgical implant, exploring whether a unique code "tattooed' in ultraviolet ink could serve the same purpose. Critics of that plan worry that a code could be compromised if a central database were hacked.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.