Local Music Teacher Buys Clarinets for All

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Portland area resident Heather Sumner, recent winner of the $1.2 million lottery payout, has decided to purchase clarinets for all Cumberland County public school students. A music teacher and clarinetist herself, Mrs Sumner decided to forgo early retirement and instead gave the gift of music to her students. Public school officials seemed pleased but added, "We're not sure what to do with this many clarinets. It puts a strain on our repair contracts, as well as our ears."

"I think everyone deserves a clarinet" said Sumner, adding, "I just wouldn't know what to do with that much money anyway."

Bird-watching enthusiast Gary Martin has raised concerns with local wildlife officials claiming that the sound of clarinets confuses and drives off local birds. According to Martin, clarinets have also been known to confuse wild moose populations, drawing them into residential neighborhoods where they turn aggressive.

When asked about the concerns, Sumner replied, "Oh, I like moose too."

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.