Anal Dwelling Spiders Invading the Fourstates

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A new invasive species is making its way into the fourstates, the Orange Haired Jungle Bridge Spider of western Brazil has been found in Missouri, Arkansas, Kansas and Oklahoma. An aquatic spider capable of surving submerged for several hours, the Orange Haired Jungle Bridge Spider lays in wait in untreated water systems such as lakes, creeks and ponds during the second stage of its lifecycle when it is only about two centimeters long. The spider seeks out warm blooded animals including humans where it swims into the anal cavity. Once inside the anus the spider attaches itself to the anal wall and over a period of 2 to 3 weeks it matures to over an inch in size. Finally, at some point when the person or animal is submerged in water again, the spider gives liver birth to thousands of tiny spiders which burst out of the adult spiders abdomen and swim out of the hosts anus to begin the cycle again. Symptoms of infestation are itchiness of the rectum, anal bleeding and a "squirming sensation". If you suspect that you have an anal spider living in your ass, try sitting on a hot curling iron.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.