Cedar Rapids Area Man Recovering After Velociraptor Attack

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Nobody knows how a prehistoric velociraptor ended up in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, or how it ended up in Geoff Johnson's car, but both the reptile and the man are lucky to be alive.

When he realized there was a velociraptor in his backseat, Mr. Johnson rolled down his window and tried to shoo it out.

"I have never had a voracious predatory reptile in my car, but I have had flies in my car, and the window thing sometimes works with them, but usually only after a few tries."

Paleontologist Dr. Jack Horner reminded us that in his film "If Dinosaurs Lived Today" he specifically warned people not to "shoo" velociraptors or oviraptors. "It only pisses them off" he said.

After the failed shooing, the velociraptor attacked, severely injuring Mr. Johnson's foot, ankle, knee, and chest. He found his way to the hospital, which has seen a. Increase in Dino attacks since Trump was elected.

"I am just glad that Geoff's beard was okay," said the junior X-ray technician who checked for, but didn't care about broken bones. "I don't know that I could have handled even being in the room if his beard was not okay."

"It is very important that anyone attacked by a prehistoric reptile get to the ER immediately," the attending P.A. told Breaking News 365, "otherwise, infection could occur that could spread all the way to one's beard. Mr. Johnson made the right call coming straight here."

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.